You can say all you want that anorexia is just as much a disease as, say, cancer..... but I have never herd a cancer patient blame her mother... say she has no attachment for her mother.... prefer that her mother kept out of her life. Cancer patients rally to their support systems. Anorexics push them away and use them as punching bags. Cancer is a disease we group together to fight, and we want the disease to lose. Anorexia is a disease that divides the family, and the patient herself wants it to be triumphant.
I feel like a punching bag. My dd's cool, calm, "stick-the-knife-in" pronouncements during therapy make me question if I am, or can ever be, a good parent to my remaining children. I hate second guessing myself, and dd seems to have some legitimate memories of times I failed her.
All parents fail. None are perfect. But why did it have to be THIS disease that came out?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I don't know why this disease came out in your child - nor does anyone else. In the words of Nancy Zucker of the Duke program on the causes of eating disorders "The short answer, We have no idea. The long answer, We really have no idea" - it's probably a complicated combination of genetic predisposition and environmental triggers that would NOT have caused this in a person not genetically wired for it.
Does she feel that you caused some of the environmental triggers? obviously at the moment - but you did NOT deliberately do anything to harm her. It is only the distorted view of the illness that is saying this. Please remember that this &^%$£ illness twists EVERYTHING - prayers, art, the bible, the lives of the Saints, the actions of loving but imperfect (who isn't) parents, the actions of over perfect teachers, you name it, it will twist it
By the way, I do hope that the therapist is at least working towards challenging the pronouncements of AN that are coming out of your daughter's mouth.
Meanwhile you ARE a good parent, and your other children need and appreciate you (although they are children, they'll probably not realise it let alone verbalise it until they are in their 40s!). Thoughts and prayers for them as they deal with this illness which can lash out at other loved ones as well as mothers.
As a recovering anorexic, I can tell you with no little amount of chagrin that I let those statements rip in family therapy too. And I'll also let you know that I love my mom dearly.
Part of the reason that I lashed out was that I was angry and confused and needed a target. Having to eat again while in treatment sucked, and my parents put me there. Ergo, my suffering was their fault.
Part of the reason was that I was told to look through my family history, sift through it, and find ways in which my parents had failed me. This, I was told, would be the "reason" behind my eating disorder, and once I figured it out, I would be cured and on my way. It was also, I might add, an utter load of crap.
Your daughter is scared and confused and hurting. She knows you love her. Score one for target probability. Also, the eating disorder is very threatened by your love. It makes Ed really, really pissed, because he knows that he doesn't stand a chance against love.
An eating disorder is a brain disease. I don't think there is a reason why these things happen- it's the genetic luck of the draw. I have found a lot of comfort in just accepting this and moving on.
That the ED is a brain disease also means your daughter can't think rationally. It doesn't happen to a cancer patient. And cancer also isn't egosyntonic- your daughter likes the effects of AN, the weight loss and the starvation numbess. She also probably doesn't realize that she's sick. Look up anosognosia in Wikipedia- the fact that she has AN means that she can't understand that she's sick. And now YOU are sending her to this HORSE PLACE where she has to GAIN WEIGHT when there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with her? Exactly.
I posted something on the FEASTing on Research blog yesterday that might be helpful: http://feastingonresearch.blogspot.com/2008/10/hostility-during-refeeding.html
Email me at carrie@edbites.com if you have any questions. I usually respond fairly quickly.
Not every parent is behind an ED. It must feel like hell for you. And I am very sorry that you are on the receiving end of it.
I don't think EDs are actually caused by external influences, per sé, but I certainly know that my own mother made my youth a living hell with her constant criticisms, her withdrawal of love, her control. And that is purely because she is that type of person. There will always be good and bad in the world.
And if you can say, hand on your heart, that you are doing your best, nobody can ask for more.
When my mother is confronted with what she has done to me, she admits it with an air of smug satisfaction and an attitude of 'you deserve it' (as it still hasn't stopped even now I am 38). But not everyone is like that.
My own daughter rails against me for anything and everything. But I know I do my best for her and provide her with unconditional love. That's the best any woman can do for her family.
Not every cancer patient rallies around the support group, in my experience I've seen people stricken with it grow hateful to their loved ones, turn away from supporters, treat their loved ones as if they are to blame for the disease. I have witnessed cancer tearing families apart. One disease behaves similarly to another, only we are the ones to not understand it. Most of the time, anorexia is a disease borne of emotional troubles, whereas cancer is indescriminantly doled out.
We will never know why victims of any disease turn on thier supporters, not till we have walked a mile in thier shoes. I am sorry for your troubles.
I wish the best for you and your daughter.
I also went into treatment for anorexia when I was in high school as your daughter is currently doing. I love my parents, but during this time nothing else mattered to me. I went weeks without speaking to them, or screaming at them because I knew they were the ones who loved me the most. It was almost as if I was challenging them to see if they could uphold, or to see if they could hate me as much as I hated myself. It is often illogical, but my best advice would be to keep telling her how much you love her. She might not take it in right away, but it helps.
I pray that your daughter continues to gain strength and fight this disease.
Post a Comment